This is the first time I have had a chance to think and reflect about things, after a whirlwind of all-nighters and working for 16 hours a day, seven days a week. Life hasn’t been easy – it has ceased to be the walk in the park that it used to be. But perhaps I designed it that way. The setting is ironic, I take a sip of this insanely expensive coffee, in the middle of the “corporate” district of the Philippines - Makati. I remember debating with my friend once, whether it is a “sin” to patronize Starbucks. Here I am now, inside the coffee-colored walls, serenaded by the soft, sweet music known to Starbucks. The Man-agement obviously took thought about these elements. I take in the mix of these elements – coffee, soft music, and brown wall design – as I watch “corporate” people outside, walking down the cobblestone streets into their daily 8 hour abyss, working for The Man.

We tend to claim “this is the generation that refuses to work for The Man – this is the idealistic generation where things will change.” But generation after generation, things end the same. We still work for The Man, the man behind the dominant structures – capitalism, consumerism, effectiveness and efficiency – profit. I am here in Starbucks, sipping a P165 coffee, way more than I can afford, in Makati, waiting for a job interview so I will be allowed to spend my days also working for The Man.

Such is life; such is the normal life, I guess - we study for 8 hours a day for about 16 years, and then work for 8 hours a day, until we are 65 years old or until we die – whichever comes first.

I sit here typing, it is 11:00AM, my job interview is at 2:00PM. At about 1:00PM I will start changing into the “corporate uniform”, tie and long-sleeves polo, black leather shoes and slacks. So the tenders at Starbucks have their uniforms, the security guard has his uniform, and I am no different – in the end we are all wearing the same skin – we think we are different, but we are no different, nobody will be able to tell us apart when we walk those cobblestone streets towards our 8 hour abyss. We are all just automatons. The Man is watching us. We have to be effective. We have to help the structure. Capitalism, consumerism, effectiveness and efficiency – profit. In the end most end up here. In the end, The Man makes sure that things still end up this way. Such is life, I guess...

But inside of me I laugh a dark laugh. Because deep inside of me, and I know, also, deep inside of you - we both know something. Our laugh is that of the “I know better” laugh, in a painful mix with the “but it’s true” laugh.

It is both indignant and hopeless.

“You know better” because you claim there is more to this, there is family, there is your partner, there will be your kids. Granted. But what the hell will I do with the majority of my life? Why are we spending about ten hours inside buildings? Right now I watch automatons come in Starbucks, they buy something, some stay, and then they go out eventually. I am one of them too. What is the difference? Where is the difference? There must be a difference. There must be something. Something more. This afternoon I will be interviewed, and The Man will see if I am effective and efficient enough to help keep the structure alive.

And after all this, what? After our chivalrous youth, what? When the fire has faded, what? When the big words and questions about immortality, beauty, and morality become questions about effectiveness and efficiency, what? Is this all we are here for? Are we put in here for the structure? Most will get married, have kids, but still, what for the kids? They will grow up and think about these too, so let us stop and think about this for them now.

Are we bringing them into this world, also for this? Is this life? Is this the world? Is this all?

I see two ways with which we can answer this. It is not a yes or no question – it is a question of whether you accept or reject it. In this context there are two ways to live, either to accept and be content of what is already here, and not question it. Not think about it. Not worry about it. And then there is the option of thinking about it. There are those who choose the road less travelled. There are those who rebel. Those who question. Those who have consciously stopped to think, and decide that this cannot be the way things are forever. This cannot be all. In the short, singular life that we are thrown to, surely there must be other, more creative ways, to live the majority of our lives than inside the confines of four white walls.

Most of us have rebellions brewing inside of us. But only a few can dare to become real rebels. Others are content to tuck the fire away and ignore it until it is forgotten. It is more comfortable not to think about these things. When you stop and think, you get disturbed. You get uncomfortable. You realize things. And it’s disturbing because it’s not easy. You have family, you have your comforts, your own pleasure, yourself, your future, your future kids, your parents, your partner, you have so many other things to worry about, and so you don’t worry about them – you just ignore and accept. This is the world we are thrown to, so why don’t we just accept.

And hope. That there is something more to this, than ignoring and accepting. Than not thinking about it.

Like automatons.

And hope. That we are humans, that can actually do something. That maybe we can do something more than just this. That there is more to this than what I was thrown to, and that I have the freedom to do something because I am a human and not an automaton. And so it all starts with a decision. A decision to hope. But hope is not something passive. Hope is an active decision. Hope requires a decision to act. To make use of the freedom that you have. Many see hope as something like releasing oneself and entrusting one’s fall to whatever force there is. But perhaps we have misunderstood, and released and entrusted ourselves too much, to fall for too long. What if all we have been doing with the little time we have in this world is fall. What if we have to step back and think of a better way to see hope – when hoping means not just accepting, but of acting, and believing, that there is something more. And believing, that acting for something more is not a wasted action. Hope is the belief that there is freedom. Hope is the belief that ‘something more’ is attainable. And truer hope is ‘doing something’ to achieve that something more.

I am scared. Because a major part of me wants to hope. The active hope. I am scared, because it’s not easy. Hoping for something more means a lot of work. Hoping for something more means doing a lot of things to make that something more happen. But who knows. We might end up happier if we choose to be uneasy, to be uncomfortable, to be disturbed. If we worry about the other things. Ignoring and accepting is easy, but what about hoping and being uneasy, were the people who dared, happier when they looked back at their lives in their deathbeds? Maybe we will be seen as fools hoping for an unattainable reality. But at least we hope. The active hope. The kind of hope wherein we do things for ‘something more’. At least we are doing something more. It's risky, but what if it's riskier to ignore it and postpone thinking about it until all is said and done, and all that's left is looking back at the life that has been? 

I continue writing after my interview with a company. The man is evaluating me now, if I am effective and efficient enough for the structure.

But at least I have peace – because I am uneasy now, so I don't have to be uneasy when it's too late. 

This is the first time I have had a chance to think and reflect about things, after a whirlwind of all-nighters and working for 16 hours a day, seven days a week. Life hasn’t been easy – it has ceased to be the walk in the park that it used to be. But perhaps I designed it that way. The setting is ironic, I take a sip of this insanely expensive coffee, in the middle of the “corporate” district of the Philippines - Makati.