I have not written in a long time. I guess the amount of writing and reflection is a function of how much time you actually have - but time, normally, is just enough if you are not being worried about petty things. Today, October 6 I realize how slowly I have become continuously worried about petty things, and how slowly the conflagration that I loved so wonderfully to be consumed in had faded into a silent ember. I am a shadow of myself now. The infectious fire that has once consumed and driven me to do things I can be proud of is gone, and only remnants and flickers can be felt. I blame only myself for this. One can be so consumed with other smaller, unimportant things, and at one time forget a decision made a few years ago, a covenant, a promise of Love, to the One who loves the most. 

"Here I am Lord, Send me" one of my retreat journals read, gaining inspiration from a famous line by Isaiah. It was written during my Senior's 8-day silent retreat, at a balcony in Baguio overlooking the beautiful mountains and trees and plants and skies and birds flying wistfully hither and thither, with the oceans and seas of far away, and the horizon, the horizon dwarfing and humbling me in that moment of the love of this enormous, grand Creator. The grand design was implanted everywhere, in every single cell, in every puff of wind that kissed my cheeks. At that moment I was faced with the enormity of the God that is both everywhere outside of me, and also in the deepest depths of my being; the silent whisper, the loving tug, the holy temptation. "Here I am Lord, Send me." Looking both far away, and also deep inside, I knew, I felt with great and blissful certainty, that that was what I wanted. That at that moment I wished for nothing else to say but that. "Here I am Lord, send me." Send me to the farthest corners of the Earth, send me to where I am needed the most.

Alas, life is not always like that. For one reason or another there are small worries that will slowly gnaw at your being until what was once a blazing holy fire, becomes but a shadow of a fire gasping for air. I am lucky and blessed with many things, with the environment that allows me to do the things I wish to do. But I guess the world is filled with things to worry about. Selfishness, sin, insecurities. This sunday I was reminded of a life I once had, a life full of inspiration and passion. I had it with two of my oldest and best friends, in a room talking and laughing and dreaming. It was exactly what I needed. Time to get away once in a while, to step back and think about where I am currently headed. I am not exactly where I want to be. I dreamed about working 80-hour work weeks and interfacing with a lot of people and reading and writing occasionally. I dream about continuously learning new skills and constantly talking to people who share my passion. I dream about exciting opportunities and having new networks. I dream about accomplishing so many, working so hard, and changing things so fast. I dream about colorful conversations about how else we may offer ourselves for the betterment of the people around us. I am not exactly where I want to be, but I guess this Sunday was just what I needed.

"I have one life. What would I be able to give with one life?" - Dr. Onofre Pagsanghan

I have one life. One, singular life. What would I be able to give with my one life?

Only, what I allow myself to give.